Matt wins his battle with the bottle
This story is part of Open Conversations, an audio series where veterans and veteran families share their story about seeking mental health support.
Download the transcript for Matt's story here.
Matt is a former member of the Royal Australian Navy. Diagnosed with PTSD, he faced significant mental health challenges on his transition from military to civilian life. Trying many different avenues to manage his mental health, he persevered until the right mix of supports had a positive impact. Matt now channels his experience into helping others. Please note, the following contains references to suicide.
I served six years in the Royal Australian Navy. I joined in 2009, and to be honest, it wasn't something I ever thought about doing. I didn't enjoy school. I wasn't into getting told what to do. I was a pretty rebellious child, so the military wasn't something I ever thought about doing. But as I got older and I started to make friends with guys that were actually serving in the Royal Australian Navy, I saw how they lived and I just thought, "Oh, I'll give it a go – I'll apply”. And yeah, within probably a week I got a letter back and it said, "Congratulations”. And that was basically it, it just went from there.
When I was in the military, I had three mates that I served with. They committed suicide within 18 months. And one of those guys I lived with, and served on the same ship with, and he tried taking his life for about 12 to 18 months, between two to five times a week. And I tried to keep him alive for that time.
When I transitioned out of the Navy I went to Tasmania, where it's just a very small island with a small veteran population. I didn't grow up there, I moved there for my partner and my daughter. So, I'd never been there, I didn't know anyone; and in that sense, I was already isolated. I mean, that in itself was already isolating. And then you put mental health with civilian life and all that sort of thing. It was just a recipe for disaster.
A tough decision
So, for me, I had to make the decision to leave Tasmania to go to one of the states that had the help (I needed). The mother of my child and I had already split up because of my mental health, and that meant I had to leave my daughter. And I knew leaving my daughter meant I would never see her again because of the relationship with her mother, and that was a hard decision. It was something really hard to come to terms with, to help myself or to stay there, really unstable, but I would get to see my daughter.
I was suicidal. I was drinking a bottle [of alcohol] a day, completely closed off from the world. To make that decision was extremely hard. But I made the decision.
Ward 17
I ended up coming to South Australia and going to a place called Ward 17. And I went there for about six weeks, and that's where I heard of VVCS [Vietnam Veterans’ Counselling Service – now Open Arms] and I started getting counselling. At that time, it didn't work for me, but I wasn't ready. I spent a lot of time in a mental health hospital. So, my transitioning [out of active service] where you'd go to seminars and learn about the civilian world was spent in a hospital. So I didn't get the chance to go to those sorts of seminars.
I was given a pack and essentially they said, "If you're ever in trouble, read this”. And they handed it to me and went, "thanks for your service”. But I'd been diagnosed with PTSD. I was having all sorts of PTSD episodes. They put me on medication. I mean, I was just completely out of it.
Essentially, when I got out of Ward 17, I just kept drinking. And that went on for four or five years, and I kept going in and out of hospital. Ward 17 turned into a place called Jamie Larcombe Centre, where also I went in and out about, I think, four times.
Testing the waters
I kept going back to Open Arms. I kept testing the waters before I was ready to actually help myself. I wanted to test the waters in the sense that I reached out to Open Arms to get counselling, and I kept going to different counsellors. It's just I found at the time I wasn't ready. As soon as the counsellors started touching anything remotely close to my trauma, I would disengage. I just wouldn't go to the next appointment.
[But] I did want the help. I guess there was a bit of a barrier with me thinking I could live the way I was living and also think that things would miraculously change for me, in the sense that I thought that I could still drink every day and drink myself to sleep and not address my issues and only talk about what I wanted to talk about, and it would work itself out – and that wasn't the case.
And it took me many, many years to start asking the right questions of myself. So, once I started to ask those right questions, then the counselling started working. I think the challenges that I faced was finding someone I could connect to. I think that is definitely a big one. And it's not they're bad counsellors, it's just you find that person that you get along with.
That's why I say if it doesn't work the first time, give it another go and keep giving it another go, because everyone is different. And until you find that person that you get along with, it probably won't work. But once you find that person that you get along with, you'll start to see changes and you'll open up more.
A new lease on life
Now that I am on my way to recovery, I'm sober, I just enjoy being around my kids. I'm present. I get to enjoy the memories a lot more with my family, and that's something I haven't got to experience in a long time. I always felt like I was looking at them from or down a long, dark train tunnel, and I was never there in the moment. I just enjoy being around my family because it's something I haven't done, really, in my head for a long time. I also enjoy riding my motorbike, going for cruises. I run my online directory, Vet Direct Australia. I find that it gives me purpose. If it can just reach that one veteran and save that one vet, that's job done for me.
Thanks to Matt for sharing his story with us. If you would like to speak to someone about accessing free, military aware mental health support, you can contact Open Arms any time on 1800 011 046.